Dear anguished Indian woman
I have always been a feminist.Basically I have always believed that men and women are equals.Maybe this is because I was brought up in a
family where my being a girl made no difference. At school I saw that the
sports competitions differentiated between the sexes. And so I learned that men are physically stronger. But everywhere else we were equals. So when I started realizing that there are people in the world who think it isn't so, I was
greatly amazed. And then I found out that the life and rights I had taken for granted had been fought for. That made no sense. Because when I figured out
what 2 plus 2 was, so did the boy sitting next to me. There were no extra
classes for girls. We weren't slow or anything.
And yet as I kept growing, I learnt that this is a world
that hates women. As a teenager I learnt what rape was. It was a devastating
thing to have to know about. That’s when feminism became anti-men for me. Men
were stronger. Men had penises. Men were responsible. Men had been doing this
for centuries. And with this ideology I felt utter helplessness. Because what
could I do now? How could I make things better? And then there were questions.
How is female education gonna help? We gotta cure the men somehow. And there
was disgust. And there was anguish.
And then in the second year of college, my view of feminism
changed completely. I met a girl, a smart competent girl and she honestly
believed that men were intellectually superior. Here was a girl in an NIT on
the cusp of a corporate career who honestly believed that half the population
was smarter than her! And the more I tried to reason with her, the more
insistent she became. That was just absurd. Personally I have quite a healthy
sized ego and I just couldn't understand how she got this way. And slowly I figured it out. She believed it because
somewhere in her upbringing this is what society had communicated to her. She
believed it because her family had somehow taught her this. And then I started
thinking. And what I realized is that if your parents say you are an ape, you
sort of start believing that you are an ape over a period of time. Whatever the
mirror might say. Because our parents define the world for us. And we love them so much and we
owe them so much. We can’t discard what they say. It clings on.
How could I , some random girl she met in college, wipe over what she had learnt from the people she loved more than life?
How could I , some random girl she met in college, wipe over what she had learnt from the people she loved more than life?
And suddenly it wasn't the men anymore. It was society. And
suddenly education made sense. Because education may make you question. When I
added 2 and 2 and so did the boy next to me, I might, might just wonder, hey, I
am not slower than him after"all. And then when I join a job and I work and get
results, I might, might just wonder, hey, I am not so bad am I?
And so ladies, A girl would grow to respect herself. A girl
would earn the respect that society has denied her for centuries. And so my
only solution to what we face today is : Study and then work.
Work even if it drives you nuts. Work even if you
can’t take the stress. And work most of all for the sake of your children.
Children,you say? The ones who you feel you abandon every time you leave the home to work?The one who you have this whole guilt trip
over?
Yes, your children. (Oh btw I have got a working mum so please reserve the nasties)
Firstly, your children will not require in the exact same
way throughout their lives. Your one year old needs you physically present 24/7
but can you say the same about your 9 year old who goes to school, has football
practice and friends to play with in the evening? And what about your 15 year
old, do you see him/her before dinner time anyway? But what your 9 year old
needs is that you know what is going on his/her life, that you know hows school
going and who his/her friends are. Will your job come in the way of this
especially in this age of mobile phones soon to be video phones? Most probably
not. Also Your children will always love you. Unless you
really really screw things up. The love that you feel is a two way street. Your
working and not spending your afternoons with them will never change that. See
the way my mom is my idol.
Secondly, your son and daughter need to see you as an
individual. They need to see how you can earn money, lead people and achieve
things. They need to see this so they learn to respect you. They need to be
proud of you. Because the way they think of you, is how they will think of
women. Your daughters will see your strength and follow suit. Your sons will
see your strength and learn to see women as individuals not sex objects. You
will raise a good man and good woman by setting an example
Thirdly and most importantly, motherhood is a full time
job. It doesn't end when your kid is 15 or 16. It lasts for life.
I started working less than a year ago. And I am a novice
trying to make sense of bosses, office politics, projects, stress- all of it. But
the one support I have, the one mentor I have is my mother. Because I may bitch
about office to my friends but they are all like me : new. But my mother has
lived through every thing that I will experience in the next quarter of a
century. And of course she loves me in a way that only she can
.
.
So please work. Work so that you are not just loved. Work so
that you are respected. And some day little by little your children will set
this horrible imbalance right. Someday all this “battle of the sexes” stuff will
end. Someday there can be peace. Because we should live peacefully side by
side. Man and woman. The way it was intended.
Truly said.
ReplyDeleteThere's nothing like emancipation of women in a land where they are taught to be inferior in every respect.
I don't get how motherhood implies the end of a woman's career. If people, including women, still believe that they are not capable of handling both, it's a pity. What's even more sad is that women haven't yet realised what they are capable of.
P.S. Looking forward to reading more of you. Happy blogging. :)
Prove you are not a robot? :P
ReplyDeleteI ain't a robot, and I think the verification will once again ask me if I am one or not.
Dear sister,
ReplyDeleteA few points I would like to make:
a. Respect will follow self-respect. If work (as in career work) gives you that, then it's fine. If you don't have self-respect, you will hunting for this external "respect" from others and society for your whole life and it will seem to elude you.
b. Self-respect will only come when you align/dedicate your life to a higher purpose. Again, if a career gives you that, that is fine. But for many women, it's their families. So please don't, in your mind, think that women who choose to be homemakers or who have no other choice than to be a homemaker are in any way inferior to you.
May we all discover our higher purpose in life, our Swadharma (as the Gita says). I believe, if we seek sincerely, we can find the Divine's plan for each one of us. That is ultimately, the only solution, no matter how hard, to all the problems that the recent horrific incident in Delhi has brought up, if one looked beyond the temporary measures of retributions/punishments and superficial attitude changes.
I wish you the very best.
I will not comment on swadharma because thts journey we take as individuals...so I don't wanna mix it with a need for social change
DeleteFirstly respect is social construct. A man or woman alone on an island will have no idea about it.respect is learned in a society. Self or otherwise.like we respect our elders and our gods because we have been taught to.in a home where a girl is a burden she never learns to respect herself as no value is attributed to her.she starts believing tht she in fact is a burden.education and work merely forms a structure where she can discover her own value. So self respect to begin with requires tht something makes u feel ur worthy...it can't exist without it
Secondly I don't think I am superior thn housewives.I'm not.my working duznt make me superior. But are housewives really valued?? A women works the whole day from dusk to dawn.she wakes at 5.cooks.cleans.helps her kids with homework.takes care of her home.how many people value her role? Acknowledge it? Respect it? If they did than 42 percent women wudnt believe tht its ok for a husband to beat his wife.if they did we wouldn't kill the girl child.if they did maybe we won't want dowry either because after all a daughter in law contributes so much. But we don't.this society doesn't value housewives.You knw what they say ghar ki murgi dal barabar...in harayana they buy wives today like one buys groceries..is this respect for the woman who leaves her whole life behind for her husband? It is not. And the only way I think she can show her true capability in a way that no one can deny is by working.
Watch the movie english vinglish...here's a woman doing everything for her family but not respected by them..
This is very well written and i have full respect for your views. One point where i differ is that
Delete"Secondly, your son and daughter need to see you as an individual. They ......
I think you are considering that office work with earnings is the only way to get respect. But it is not right. The work you do at home may not get you the money but that is the one of the reason mother was given the status of God...who work selfless, taking care of small -2 things in life..who is available when you need her...You have a time to teach your kids what general education and money cannot teach..and so many things
Please take a look at my earlier comment. Women and mothers do a lot in this society. My only problem is that we dont treat them right for it. I just dont think that a man who truly respects his mother for all she went through for him, so that he is well fed well clothed etc etc , would ever raise his hand aganist a woman. Why would he need to prove that hes better than a woman?? why? so why are there so many men in delhi who think its ok to stare and stalk? do they not know that this is shameful. that this is a threat to their own sisters and mothers? and if a man doesnt respect women believe me he hasnt learnt to respect his mother.
ReplyDeleteIf mothers are given the status of god, why does rape exist?
If you are referring to the recent rape case, it is not a case of men versus women. in this sordid incident, both the sexes were assaulted - the man physically and the woman sexually. The woman's friend is scarred emotionally for life - he would probably, never, recover from this tumultuös event. In the labyrinth of society, the medevial pockets still exists - they can never catch up and hence, the desperation.
DeleteAs a brother, friend and colleague, I have always advise the women folks to be careful with their dressing much to their disgust and contempt. Needless to say such advice has fallen on deaf ears. I am not trying to act as moral police and does not have any intention to do so - I have too many moral weaknesses of my own. Nor am I pervert, as alleged by my some female acquaintances. However, having worked closely with security guards, peons, electricians, plumbers, I understand how their mentality works. So, my dear lady, I may not even be noticing the mini-skirts or lower cut dresses that you may like to wear but the people from the lower strata of the society do. For there people, sex remains the only pleasure and adventure of their life and when they lose control, rapes happen and when they happen, the men folks accompanying you are the one who bear the initial brunt.
Now, coming to your question - Rape exists because .... - we are a predominantly a heterosexual nation. With the increase in homosexuality trends, the day is not far when even Men would assaulted sexually.
On a slightly tangential note, refer to the quote from Macaulay
"And how can man die better than facing fearful odds, for the ashes of his fathers, and the temples of his Gods?"
The muslim destroyed temples because they wanted to pulverize the non-muslim population. They defiled Gods to demoralize the followers. Similarly, the women folks are assaulted to penalize their male relatives. With LGBT trends, the day is not far when men would be assaulting men (it happens in the armed forces and college hostels)
Last but not the least, we are the nation of short-term solution - we move from one quick and dirty solution to another. Today, a woman is raped and everyone start parroting the case of death penalty for the crime or rape. If you try to apply perspective, you would see that:
1) This law is prone to misuse like the section 498A - a noble intentioned law that became a method of extortion. Now every marital dispute invariably leads to dowry harassment case. If such a law is enacted, every eve-teasing case would evolve into charge of rape/gang-rape.
2) Every rape committed would be accompanied by the murder of the victim. The murdered victim may leave the crime with no witness leading to eventual acquittal of the accused given the loopholes of the law
The long term and permanent punishment for this medieval crime can only be medieval in nature - permanent surgical castration once proven guilty beyond doubts by the trial court and validated by the high court; there should only be one appeal allowable at the level of Supreme court with no provision for mercy petition to the president.
lemme make some small comments
Delete1. Rape is about power not sex. Please read about the psychology of a rapist.this is the reason why most women can protect themselves from assault by looking men in the eye and behaving as if they will put up a fight. Because rape is about establishing utter control and a rapist will choose a victim who he thinks he can subjugate.You can see how gang rape is easier that way.so inciting sexual desire has nothing to do with it. This is a much spoken about fact if you read an psychologist's profile of a rapist and rape culture in general. Heres a general link on it http://bigheadpighead.blogspot.in/2012/12/the-thing-with-rape-is-that-it-isnt.html?spref=fb
2.Because rape is about power,A society which believes that men have a right to be superior to women sets stage for rape.which is why the societal norms need to be changed. similarly men are taught that they are superior to LGBT society, many suffer sexual abuse for the same reason. the solution to that is again education, is again including the LGBT community in the workforce. because when someone who you think of as a slave becomes a colleague...little by little society shifts and adjusts and accepts. But at the end of the day the solution is the same. so yes you are right. but the basis is not sex its power again!
3.Most rape victims know their rapists. they are relatives, neighbors or co-workers. Do tell me that if this is the reality that a woman is raped in known surroundings (a number of time at her own home) how would her timings or her dress code help her?
4.also do you think its always the uneducated poor man who leers at a woman. Walk with a lady in cannaught place in the heart of delhi and watch the way "educated" "wealthy" men treat that woman.
5.The reason why women resent you when you tell them to dress right, it sounds like you blame them.As if they asked for it.believe me no girl asks for it. we know the reality of men much much better. We walk around in saris,burkas,skirts,jeans etc and believe me it doesnt matter...there are ALWAYS roving eyes. We just hope that we are allowed to escape one more day without some man trying to grope us.
Dear sir, I know you mean well.I do. But these half baked measures dont help anymore. Its just reached a stage where you feel as if you are at war everyday.You cant control rape culture. But you can try to do whatever you can to make a woman find respect in this world and maybe the rest will follow.
Thanks! for providing me the perspective from the women's side. As far as the educated and wealthy men are concerned, I do not deny that they have their share of blame. As you said that this is more a phenomenon of power - so, most of these guys (and I am not defending them) have seen women portrayed as commodities (in advertising, mass media, etc) and through their roving eyes, they are trying to access the price of a commodity (pardon my words) - they don't do it for sex as most of them already have experienced it in their early teens. They believe that if the commodity is available, they would try to purchase on a price and back off when they know that the price is going to cost them "dear." However, if they have the power (political or money), they would try to force themselves when they find the victim alone in any surroundings. However, they are aware that their misadventure would cost them and their family dearly and therefore, they tread with more caution (refer Shiney Ahuja's case)
DeleteGang rape takes an entirely different proportion altogether. It starts with lechering and then one participant exhorts another - similarly, like people sharing drinks in a bar. The gist of the matter is again commoditization of women - unintentional but hold true. This is similar to the gun fights that gangsters have with police or each other - they know that they are playing with lives (including their own) but go ahead for thrill and machismo. And unfortunately, some of the innocent bystanders are sucked as participants/victim in this whirlpool.
Regarding the fact that women know their rapist and a number of the rapes have been committed in the known surroundings - I agree. However, the process of rape starts in the mind - it starts with some sort of pornography, finding a woman with a matching description and then, (erroneously) believe that she is available and would coyly resist before succumbing. So, what starts and builds up as a fairy tale amorous relationship in mind propels the bastard to take the next step forward when the victim is alone. When resisted, it hurts the ego and then the brute force take over.
I agree with your points, our individual journeys are different from social change that you are addressing here.
ReplyDeleteThere is something wrong in the upbringing of many many men in our country (and perhaps in many other places in the world). And I can see that the "respect" that you were referring to has to be both from outside and within.
Work and career may in fact be a necessary path to get that respect.
First, thanks for the insight. Second, I was born in Shillong, Meghalaya - the land of the oldest matrilineal society and Third, I am married to a Marathi-Kannadiga.
ReplyDeleteI have a question. South Indians lack emotion (read CB - 2 states) Without the Emotional IQ, it is not possible to reach an individual p.o.v.
In India, we are dealing with two things which are equally violent. Women and Individuality. The nail that stands up gets hammered.
Ouch!
:-)
loved reading you dear :)
ReplyDelete